As far as we can go
by mountain-skies
Summary: Retold after Ennis and Jack spend their first night together. Ennis tries to deny his feelings, but they are soon pulled deeper than they ever thought possible...
1. Chapter 1

**As far as we can go**

**Chapter 1**

As the first light began to creep over Brokeback Mountain, Ennis felt the first signs of life begin to creep back into his sleeping body. Over the weeks he had become quite accustomed to waking up cold and shivering, and the first thing he noticed, before he was even properly awake, was that his body felt surprisingly hot and the sheet was sticking to his damp skin. Groggily he opened his eyes, realizing that he remembered very little of what had happened the night before. He was lying on his side, facing the tent door, and through the thin gap in the canvas he could see a glimpse of their camp; the fire with its burnt out wood, the horses, the bean cans… Then he remembered, of course. A night of too much whisky, and more words than he had uttered in a long time. Crawling in to the tent in the middle of the night had not been his first choice but then again, there hadn't been much alternative other than freezing to death.

He would have to go the sheep at once, Ennis realized, feeling a jolt of guilt for having left them alone. Struggling to regain full consciousness, he raised his hands and ran them roughly across his face. It was only then, he realized in a sudden jolt of shock, that the arms wrapped around his chest were not his own.

Hot fear, in the form of slow realization, was beginning to rise within Ennis' body. And then, in one sudden moment, he could feel everything, and everything was Jack. The confident cowboy, the rodeo rider, Jack fucking Twist was lying directly behind him. His strong arms were around Ennis' body holding him close, his bare chest pressed tightly against Ennis' back. Their legs lay entangled on the tent floor; Ennis could feel weight on his thigh…

He was suddenly hit with overwhelming panic and a gripping sense of nausea. Gasping and heaving, he wrenched his legs free, throwing off Jack's hands. He did not care how rough his hands were or how cruelly he kicked; all that mattered was that he could not have Jack's skin against his own for a second longer. Rolling away, he struggled blindly to rip open the tent door. Half crawling, half standing, he staggered out of it. The cold air hit him like a punch in the stomach; he fell to his knees and threw up violently on the ground. The sound of his retching, over and over, ripped through the silence of the still morning and the beauty of Brokeback. The mountain, beautiful and untouched, suddenly seemed dirty and vulgar. As he coughed and vomited into the dust, Ennis heard what he had been dreading; the sound of movement within the tent.

"Ennis," he heard Jack call, weak and sleepy. "Ennis."

Ennis forced himself to his feet, forcing down everything inside him that was trying to fight its way back up. It took all his strength to remain on his feet, but he would not let himself succumb. He lunged towards his horse, Arrow, who had been loosely tied close by, his tack laid out next to him. Ennis' hands were shaking as he seized the bridle and forced the bit clumsily into the horse's mouth. The stallion protested immediately to the rough handling, kicking and tossing his head, alarmed by Ennis' uncharacteristically brutal and urgent manner.

"Come on," Ennis hissed through his teeth. _"Come on__ you son of a bitch__."_

Reaching up, he grabbed the horse round the neck and pulled his head down violently, ramming the cold metal into his mouth so forcefully that it drew blood. Arrow snorted furiously, his eyes rolled back to white, his ears flat against his head. Ennis hardly noticed; as he threw the reins over, he was already glancing furtively back towards the tent. His heart lurched into his throat as he saw the tent flap opening, and he felt his stomach do likewise as the handsome, bare-chested figure of Jack Twist emerged. Ennis was suddenly very aware of the dryness of his lips, as Jack slowly buckled his belt and straightened his shoulders. He looked up, and for an instant their eyes met across the camp.

"Ennis," Jack called again. "Ennis, wait."

Now he began to make his way across to where Arrow stood, his pace quickening to a slow run. Ennis felt the numbing sensation that although Jack was speaking, all he could hear was a dull buzz. He caught words – don't, mistake, understand – but they made no sense, and he found it was impossible to distinguish a sentence between them. Or perhaps he didn't want to hear.

Frantically he turned away, grasped hold of Arrow's mane and hauled himself onto the horse's back. It felt frightening dangerous without the saddle beneath him, but Ennis was too taken by a new terror to notice. Suddenly he knew that if Jack caught him, spoke to him, there would be no going back. The very thought was sickening, impossible. He could not, would not, let that happen. With the horse bucking and dancing on the ground, Ennis clung to him with a strength he did not know he had, and brought his legs down hard on the horse's sides. Arrow gave a sharp cry, his front legs came clear of the ground, and he leapt forward in a storm of dust and flashing hooves. Away from the camp, and more importantly, away from the terrifying presence of Jack Twist.

As he rode, Ennis felt every bone in his body wracked with sickening horror. It was not the horror that Jack had slept beside him, felt him, touched him… it was the far worse horror, of knowing that he had wanted to touch him back.

**A/N: like everyone else, I was shocked and horrified to hear about Heath Ledger's death. I watched Brokeback Mountain just a couple of days later, and (after crying for over an hour) felt inspired to attempt a story based on it; this is that attempt, and my first at a 'serious' fan fiction. Reviews would be very much appreciated )**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Ennis kept his eyes fixed tightly in front off him as Arrow flew across the mountain. He could not bring himself to slow down, or even look back to make sure Jack wasn't following behind. He was riding against the wind, which crushed against his bare chest. Ennis gritted his teeth in anger that he hadn't grabbed his shirt before fleeing the tent, but there hadn't been time; he hadn't been thinking about anything else other than getting the hell out of there. Now the sharpness of the wind against his skin seemed to make sense; it felt like the punishment he deserved. That was what Jack's skin should have felt like, cold, rough and painful. Ennis felt a fresh wave of horror, because in his memory it had been anything but. Jack's skin had been warm and horribly comforting…

Ennis screwed up his face, trying to force Jack out of his mind. As he rode, he squeezed his eyes shut so tightly that the pain seared through his head and burned in his throat. But the image of the young cowboy did not waver, and instead he felt hot tears leak from the corners of his eyes. Angrily he snapped them open, and saw that more time had passed than he'd realized; he could see the white shapes of sheep in the distance.

He continued to ride, and drew Arrow to a stop close to where the sheep were grazing. Scanning them quickly, he was greatly relieved when he saw that they all looked as safe and healthy as the day before. Not because he was overly concerned for their welfare, or even the punishment he might have otherwise received, but because, for one brief moment, it felt like nothing had happened. Had a sheep been down, slaughtered, it would only have served as a greater reminder; that he hadn't been there last night. He lowered the reins and wrapped his arms across his bare chest. It wasn't like he needed another reminder.

* * *

Jack's eyes scanned the land as he searched for Ennis, although there was not much doubt in his mind that he would soon find him. He was the faster rider, and willing to bet that Aristo was the faster steed. Instead of charging off after him, he had taken time to dress himself and pick up Ennis' shirt, which now lay across his thighs as he galloped across the hills. Jack knew in his gut that he was heading the right way; that Ennis would have ridden out towards the sheep. As for why would he ride that way where he would be so easily followed, when he could turn Arrow in one sharp tug of the reins and change his path? _Because deep down_, Jack thought, _Ennis __del__ Mar __ain't__ nothing but a scared little boy__ afraid of change._ They had only been on the mountain for a few weeks, but Jack already knew more about Ennis that the other man would ever guess. He had seen the way Ennis' eyes seemed almost to glaze over when he spoke about Alma. He had seen the way they seemed to sparkle when he spoke of his childhood, although his voice ached with wistfulness. He had for many days seen the longing in Ennis' eyes, but the longing was drowned in fear. 

Jack was drawing closer to the spot now, where he was sure Ennis would be waiting. Waiting for him? Maybe. Whatever Ennis said, whatever he did, they had wanted each other last night. Perhaps, even subconsciously, he _wanted_ Jack to find him. Jack found himself briefly aroused at that thought, as he remembered the small tent that would be waiting. Quickly he shook his head before the image became too powerful. Hell, this wasn't easy for him either.

Suddenly, as the path twisted southwards, Jack felt his heart skip a beat as he caught sight of Ennis. He was sitting upon Arrow watching the sheep from a short distance away. His strong arms were pressed tightly against his chest. Jack let out an involuntary shuddering breath, and felt his hands grow sweaty on the reins. He had planned his words on the ride up, but they had vanished from his mind. Reluctant to face Ennis before he had thought through what he was going to say, he pulled the reins sharply. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Aristo didn't take to kindly to sudden and rough commands. The horse snorted in protest, stomped his feet and attempting to unseat his rider. Jack sat tight, urgently trying to calm the horse, but it was too late. Ennis had turned, and had seen him.

He was too far away for Jack to see his expression, but it wasn't hard to guess. Jack took a shaky breath and kicked Aristo forwards. Now he had been spotted, he couldn't exactly run away; not after coming so far.

"Ennis."

No answer. They were just a few metres from each other, but Ennis had turned back to stare blankly across the mountain. Jack felt a new anger rising within him. All Ennis was doing was making it out to be his idea, his fault. Just because he had the courage to stand up, just because he wasn't going to run from his feelings. He never would have made it as a rodeo rider if he couldn't face up to fear.

"You can't make this jus' 'bout me, Ennis. That was both o' us in that tent. And jus' 'cause you're afraid-"

"Look," Ennis hissed suddenly. "I ain't no fuckin' queer, Jack. And whatever the hell happened in that tent last night, it ain't never happening again," he turned to face Jack, his voice straining against the wind. "Never! You understand?"

Jack said nothing. He slowly lowered his head, and gazed down at the saddle. When, a couple of seconds later he raised his head again, his eyes were determinedly steely.

"Why, I ain't no queer either Ennis del Mar," he said defiantly. There was a silence. Jack continued to look Ennis squarely in the eye, and then spoke slowly, as though considering each word. "But sometimes… sometimes these things jus' happen. Things we can't change. But hell, maybe, if we really admit it, things that we wouldn't wanna change anyways."

The silence that followed was even longer than the first, yet somehow seemed more deafening than the wind roaring around them. It brushed Ennis' shirt sleeve against Jack's arm and he looked down in surprise, having forgotten it was there. Sighing, he moved forward and held out the shirt.

"Here. Figured you might want this." He saw in Ennis' eyes how badly he wanted to take the shirt, but something inside him preventing him from stretching out a hand. He looked away.

"Goddam it, Ennis," Jack cried out in sudden anger. "What, jus' 'cause I've had my hands on it, you won't touch it? In that case you jus' might wanna rip the skin from your bones, 'cause I sure as hell had my hands on you last night."

"Go to hell, Jack Twist," Ennis muttered into the wind, just loud enough for Jack to hear him. In one movement he seized up the reins, smashing his legs against the horse's sides. Arrow gave a cry of pain, but the force was enough to send him forward at an alarming pace.

"Don't you run from me, Ennis," Jack bellowed after him. "You're only running from yourself, and you fuckin' know it."

Feeling the same sudden surge of anger as he had just moments before, Jack felt he could bear it no longer. He felt his common sense drift away, to be replaced with undiluted anger. Letting out a loud, rodeo cry, he brought his legs down with all the strength he had. But unlike Jack, his horse was wilder and unforgiving, and he realized too late. His instinct caused him to grab the saddle, but he knew with sickening horror that his hands, still sticky, were not strong enough. Aristo threw his head back, screaming, snorting and rolling his eyes with objection with objection, and his front legs followed. The powerful stallion, over 17hh threw himself into the air; and from his back he threw his rider.

As he was flung through the air and crashed heavily to the ground, one silent word screamed on Jack's lips; _Ennis._

_

* * *

_**A/N: Thank you again to exitlight, Luxa, Jada91, Kio de albatou, WCUGirl, emcumbrace, narutoclaymorelove4eva, 55-Rue-Plumet, Mahoro, Deathless Wraith, onefreetoroam and GatorGrrrl for reviewing :) I was suprised and delighted to recieve so many, they really made my day!**


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